Hilarious Jimmy Carr Jokes To Post As Your Facebook Status

Here are some funny facebook status ideas from comedian jimmy carr. These witty and hilarious adult jokes make great status updates. If you want to get likes and comments on  your status then try posting one of these funny statuses! You can copy and paste these funny, rude and sometimes offensive jokes striaght to your status update and then you’ll be sure to get attention. Just wait for the likes and the comments to come!

I saw a charity appeal in the newspaper the other day, and it read “Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water”. And I couldn’t help thinking, she should move.

I did a stand up gig once for the homeless. I said “It’s nice to see so many bums on seats”.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me “oh don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys”. Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it’s happening to more than one of us, don’t you think it could be YOUR fault?

Boxers don’t have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don’t fancy each other.

I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I’m not sure about you people, but I think we’re being overcharged on groceries.

I say no to gay marriage. It’ll end up leading to gay divorce, and that’ll be bitchy.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow… children. That can’t be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can’t read it.

A big girl once came up to me and said “I think you’re fatist.” I said “No. I think you’re fattest.”

I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger”. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it.

My favourite road sign is ‘Falling Rocks’. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying “Random accidents ahead”, “Life’s a lottery, Be lucky.”

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called ‘Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking’. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian…

The reason old men use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It’s that old women are so very ugly.

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying “Can I have a new bike?”. He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said “Alright, fatty.”

I’d rather see a pregnant woman standing on the bus than a fat girl sitting down crying.

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my mum that really hurt.

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Funny & Clever Facebook Status Ideas That Will Definately Get Likes

Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don’t know!

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog! …Now read this without the word dog.

Remember when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and slap the f*cker!

Wants his friends to continue this story by adding a sentence to it: Last night I went for a walk…

figured out that alcohol is not the answer… it just makes you forget the question.

100,000 sperm and I was the fastest!

the only real difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.

FACEBOOK VIRUS ALERT: An email was recently sent out asking women to post the colour of their bra. THIS IS A VIRUS. To fix this, you must remove your bra, then go to Settings > Enable Webcam > Record Movie.

I raised the alarm at work today. The midgets were furious.

I can’t believe I got sacked from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

You look like I need another drink…

on BookFace, nobody knows I’m dyslexic.

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