Here are some funny facebook status ideas from comedian jimmy carr. These witty and hilarious adult jokes make great status updates. If you want to get likes and comments on your status then try posting one of these funny statuses! You can copy and paste these funny, rude and sometimes offensive jokes striaght to your status update and then you’ll be sure to get attention. Just wait for the likes and the comments to come!
I saw a charity appeal in the newspaper the other day, and it read “Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water”. And I couldn’t help thinking, she should move.
I did a stand up gig once for the homeless. I said “It’s nice to see so many bums on seats”.
There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me “oh don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys”. Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it’s happening to more than one of us, don’t you think it could be YOUR fault?
Boxers don’t have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don’t fancy each other.
I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I’m not sure about you people, but I think we’re being overcharged on groceries.
I say no to gay marriage. It’ll end up leading to gay divorce, and that’ll be bitchy.
I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow… children. That can’t be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can’t read it.
A big girl once came up to me and said “I think you’re fatist.” I said “No. I think you’re fattest.”
I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger”. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it.
My favourite road sign is ‘Falling Rocks’. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying “Random accidents ahead”, “Life’s a lottery, Be lucky.”
My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called ‘Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking’. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian…
The reason old men use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It’s that old women are so very ugly.
My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying “Can I have a new bike?”. He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said “Alright, fatty.”
I’d rather see a pregnant woman standing on the bus than a fat girl sitting down crying.
When someone close to you dies, move seats.
I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my mum that really hurt.