Funny New Years Eve Messages For Facebook Status Ideas

Make your friends laugh and get their attention on new years eve by posting one of these funny and witty new years eve statuses! You’ll be sure to get likes and comments on your status update when you use one of these clever joke status ideas about the new year!

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution.

New Year’s is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other.

my new years resolution is to start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.

is planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2011.

my 2011 New Year’s Resolution is to adhere to my resolutions for longer than 24 hours.

my 2011 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

new years eve – one of the only days when it is socially acceptable to start drinking this early.

is actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year

Thre have been many time in 2010, when I have annoyed you, distubed you, irritated you, bugged you… today I just wanna tell you… I plan to continue in 2011!

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Hilarious, Witty & Clever Christmas Statuses To Post On Facebook

Has just been kidnapped by a fat man in a red suit and put in a bag, ALRIGHT! FESS UP! Who put me on there Christmas list?

The awkwardness at the Christmas dinner table when your uncle tries to explain why he’s got an erection after giving your dad the Heimlich manoeuvre.

Christmas dinner is just like any other dinner. I sit down with a bird that doesn’t gobble anymore…

I was having sex with this large breasted bird the other day… Apparently I ruined the christmas dinner.

This ice cold weather is hilarious! I’m stood outside the mental hospital watching the staff trying to free fifty tongues from the windows!

the weather is lovely today… if you’re a fricken snowman!

is like a Candy Cane – sweet but very twisted

Oh the weather outside is frightful, But no school would be delightful, And since I don’t want to go, Let it snow let it snow let it snow.

NEWSFLASH!! Frosty the Snowman has been spotted in the vegetable section of the local supermarket. He was seen picking his nose!

Snowmen, the best kind of man! When you’re tired of them, you can just turn up the heat!

Remember Christmas is a time for giving, so give generously, I accept credit cards, checks and cash.

(_|_) I’m freezing my butt off!

Has just been kidnapped by a fat man in a red suit and put in a bag, ALRIGHT! FESS UP! Who put me on there Christmas list?

Due To the poor econmony Holiday Cheer will be distributed in Shot Glasses.

is wondering why his Stocking smells like feet.

thinks that if I keep this up, the Christmas miracle will be me getting my jeans buttoned.

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

you should be extra kind and compassionate to those around me during the Holidays, because you never know who will end up being your Secret Santa.

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Hilarious Jimmy Carr Jokes To Post As Your Facebook Status

Here are some funny facebook status ideas from comedian jimmy carr. These witty and hilarious adult jokes make great status updates. If you want to get likes and comments on  your status then try posting one of these funny statuses! You can copy and paste these funny, rude and sometimes offensive jokes striaght to your status update and then you’ll be sure to get attention. Just wait for the likes and the comments to come!

I saw a charity appeal in the newspaper the other day, and it read “Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water”. And I couldn’t help thinking, she should move.

I did a stand up gig once for the homeless. I said “It’s nice to see so many bums on seats”.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me “oh don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys”. Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it’s happening to more than one of us, don’t you think it could be YOUR fault?

Boxers don’t have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don’t fancy each other.

I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I’m not sure about you people, but I think we’re being overcharged on groceries.

I say no to gay marriage. It’ll end up leading to gay divorce, and that’ll be bitchy.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow… children. That can’t be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can’t read it.

A big girl once came up to me and said “I think you’re fatist.” I said “No. I think you’re fattest.”

I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger”. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it.

My favourite road sign is ‘Falling Rocks’. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying “Random accidents ahead”, “Life’s a lottery, Be lucky.”

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called ‘Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking’. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian…

The reason old men use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It’s that old women are so very ugly.

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying “Can I have a new bike?”. He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said “Alright, fatty.”

I’d rather see a pregnant woman standing on the bus than a fat girl sitting down crying.

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my mum that really hurt.

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